(c) Warrior K. Universal
Hayden Flamingo strapped the transceiver to Luuk Phong's head, securing
it behind her floppy ears. He sent the message that they were ready to
begin.
The first message came from Planet 10: Break angel food or pound cake
into bite-sized pieces.
Luuk Phong's trunk began to dismantle the cake they had spent all
morning baking. Hayden was not a small man and even though Luuk Phong
was only four years old, there was hardly any room in his tiny kitchen
to maneuver. Hayden stationed himself under the table.
The second message came from Planet 10: Put the pieces into a 9x13 inch
pan (preferably glass).
Hayden crawled to the cabinet and handed up an 8 X 12 inch metal pan.
Luuk Phong bellowed; her style demanded precision. But the missiles
were already on their way and some times you had to give and inch or
two, he told her.
The third message came from Planet 10: Dissolve 1 package of flavored
gelatin in 1 cup of water and pour over cake pieces, spreading to the
edges of pan.
Deftly Luuk Phong worked the sink, measuring out exactly the right
amount of hot water. She had trouble opening the gelatin packet and
began stamping the linoleum and rolling her glassy eyes. I guess I'm
along for the thumbs, Hayden said as he side-stepped a tremendous
crashing foot and ripped the package open.
The phone rang. Hayden, vaulting the table now, reached it a second
before Luuk Phong. You don't have time to worry about these
interruptions, he told her. Start dissolving that gelatin! We're
running out of time! Luuk Phong flattened her ears and, wrapping her
trunk around a wooden spoon, began stirring the mixture in the measuring
cup.
Mr. Flamingo, the voice on the phone said, this is Mr. Hooper
downstairs. Actually I'm at my office, but my wife is at home
recovering from a severe asthma attack. I'd like to ask you on her
behalf to keep the noise down. We don't want her relapsing… Thanks a
lot. Guess I'll see you at the tenants' meeting Monday.
You're going to have to keep it down, Luu, Hayden scolded the elephant
in the delicate manner you always you censure someone who weighs ten
times more than you. Ignoring him, she poured the mixture into the pan
on top of the cake pieces.
Hayden, once again from the lee of the table, requested the next
message.
The fourth message came from Planet 10: Drain the peaches and pour the
juice over the gelatin in the pan.
Luuk Phong moved with wild verticals and horizontals that reminded
Hayden of the paintings made by elephants he had seen in London. This
was however a relatively easy step and was accomplished without a hitch.
The fifth message came from Planet 10: Slice bananas on top of gelatin.
Arrange peach slices on top of banana slices.
Under any other circumstances Hayden would not have trusted her with a
knife. But things were getting desperate and besides the knives were
sitting out in the block on the counter. Knife in trunk, she came
dangerously near to slicing his ear off as she gesticulated for him to
peel the bananas for her. She was, however, a good arranger of sliced
fruit. That was probably why they chose her for this mission, he
thought.
The sixth message came from Planet 10: If desired, add crushed
pineapple.
There was, of course, no crushed pineapple to be had. In the short time
-- barely 12 hours -- he had had to shop and maneuver Luuk Phong into
his apartment since the emergency was declared, Hayden had overlooked
this fruit. He almost bought one, he really did. He was reaching for
it, the only ripe looking one in the store. But thinking about all
those warheads barreling through outer-space towards the heads of six
billion innocent people an urgency rose in him that set his feet in the
direction of the cashier. Now he was facing the consequences. He could
see by the look in the young elephant's eye that the desire was there,
but how could he tell her there just wasn't any pineapple? Luckily she
had put down the knife while she was laying the peaches on top of the
bananas.
Luuk Phong began to stamp again. She ripped the doors off the cabinets
and the fronts off the drawers. Dishes flew out the window. Silverware
sailed into the living room. The phone was ringing again. Mr. Hooper's
disembodied voice informed Hayden that an ambulance had been summoned
for his wife. When you bake a cake, he told Mr. Hooper, you have to
break some eggs. Besides, they were losing valuable time. But for the
moment all he could think to do was weather the storm.
Hiding under the table with a dented Le Creuset pot on his head, Hayden
realized there was something more dangerous happening than Luuk Phong's
pineapple-induced temper tantrum: the space-receiver had been flayed by
a flying spatula and was sparking violently. He tried to signal Planet
Ten for the next instruction, hoping it would calm Luuk Phong down. He
was not prepared for the local 24-hour evangelical radio station.
The seventh message came straight from the pages of Revelations: Then
the sixth angel blew his trumpet, and I heard a single voice coming from
the four horns on the golden altar that is before God, saying to the
sixth angel, the one holding the trumpet, "Set free the four angels who
are bound at the great river Euphrates!"
Luuk Phong went into elephantine ecstasy. She blew her fleshy trumpet.
She turned on all the taps in the sink and ran the dishwasher. The
half-finished cake was somehow miraculously intact on the counter, but
Luuk Phong's frenzy blocked his way. He plugged his microphone directly
into her transceiver leaving the preacher to speak into the void. Hell,
he thought, if we don't get this cake finished, we'll all be speaking
into the void.
He tried to think back to the times when his mother had baked cakes.
True, she had never baked a cake in a tiny kitchen with a rampaging
elephant to fend off interglactic attack, but what choice did he have?
The eighth message came from somewhere in Hayden's childhood mind:
Pre-heat oven to 450 degrees.
Immediately calmed, Luuk Phong's trunk swung toward the dial.
But it was the ninth message that delivered the stroke of genius: add
whatever ingredients you would like to the cake and then put it in the
oven when the temperature light goes on.
Luuk Phong's genius unfurled its standards. She added a layer of
whipped topping! She cracked eggs into a metal bowl and carefully
sucked out the yolks with her trunk before aerating the whites with the
same instrument! A squirt of lemon juice! A sprinkle of chocolate
chips! She was on her own and in her element. There was nothing more
he could do, so he went into the living room to watch television and
hope for the best.
An hour later, Hayden, because of his thumbs, was obliged to operate the
matches. Luuk Phong had somehow found amidst the wreckage that was once
his kitchen a package of birthday candles. Go ahead a blow them out,
Luu, he said. Make a wish.
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