1. Characters:

Captain Aberdeen McCleary, A large befuddling man, more often than not drunk and oblivious, but always true to his ship. He always begins his speeches with a proud, dignified air then becomes a buffoon as soon as he begins to speak.

Norm, Svank are the Crew and Waiter. They’re always in the back ground fumbling around. Real Marx Brothers there to cause more ruckus than good.

Byzantine - First Mate. He’s the one who’s got his wits about him while the Captain is off kilter. Somewhat a man's man (butler like). Stiff and proper.

Lee Loo EE- The Zen guy. The very calm palm tree in the chaotic hurricane surrounding him, but gives no tangible guidance to the others.

Dr. Wadi Dedehha-Doctor of Physioantimology. He's the "rational" one who also fails to give worthy direction or advice.

Duchess of Preenshire- Puts the prune back in prudish. The upper-class semi-royal guardian of Katrina.

Katrina Katrice - The Duchess’ Niece and naively naive. She presents herself as the epitome of innocence, but is she really innocent?

Alphonso Del Guapo-Adventuresome, mysterious and a world renown intercontinental lover from Argentina

Margaret Brew- The American, head strong and, well, American.

LePetimont- The flamboyant (in that classicly bawdy over acting sort of way) world famous “cabaret releaser of gas”

Herbert and Elenora - The proverbially annoying American couple. Herbert is a Guilded Era industrialist and wife, Elenora is into the spiritual world.

Ian Valíd - Catatonic man.

Amelia Earhart - Historical figure added to bring a sense of reality

Harry James and his Orchestra - The one man Klezmer band.

1. SCENE ONE ENTRANCE TO THE ZEPPELIN

(Stark, minimalist set, noting necessary to connote inside a the zeppelin, in fact it might even appear to be outside, in the clouds, low light for loftiness. Light up on Byzantine, frozen n with arms in mid air as if a conductor. The passengers enter walking backwards, bustling, nudging each other, but polite and very conscious of personal space. Eventually they coagulate in a tight formation stage right, looking out to the audience frozen. They move when Byzantine begins his speech.)

BYZANTINE: Welcome aboard the Gaff Zeppelin, Flagship Hildebroom. It is my honor to present to you the man who will helm this historic around the world voyage in the clouds, Captain Aberdeen McCleary.

(All applaud. The passengers all begin to mingle politely as the Captain enters very dignified and proud, chest out, this is his big moment. But he breaks down into a bumbling idiot when begins speech.)

CAPTAIN: Ludies und ghents, my war injury prevents a long speech, so I’ll spill my briefs....

BYZANTINE: (Embarrassed. Responding quickly as if know the lines, i.e. done this before.) Sir, say “I’ll keep it brief”

CAPTAIN: Keep it brief, yes, welcome to the finest cruising dirigible since the famed Zeppelin L5... no, the Shenandoah, Akron, baby Macon, er, or the R-35, the R-101...... when I get a good glimpse of tail I know what to do.

BYZANTINE: Wind, sir. tail wind, sir...

CAPTAIN: (Crazed d.) Yes, winning tail, you tell me when. Wind? It is time to catch the Wind. And some tail. Ducjess, howz tyer niece? My knees were shot out during my old squad days, when the Condor Legion was the fiercest fighter blimp squad in the war. I haven’t seen my knees since sunning in Cinquéterra.

BYZANTINE: Uh, sir?

CAPTAIN: (Resumes composure.. Clears throat. ) We will be cruising at an altitude of 12,00 feet...

(Everyone jumps. Scream.) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

CAPTAIN: Make that 8,000 feet. This dirigible is the largest of its kind, constructed with loves labor lost, utmost care engineered to provide a smooth and quiet sail through the ether so that at night you will not awake, ever.

DUCHESS: (Frighten in a fusty frail way to Katrina.) Lord, sounds like they mean to kill us in our sleep.

MARGARET: (With a faked confidence as if she has convinced herself she is courageous.) They won’t get me, I’ve got my fathers army issue colt 45’s. Still good after having gunned down many a cattleman.

CAPTAIN: Und if we believe my theories of gastrointestology, we well be on the moon before Wednesday.

BYZANTINE: We’ll be in Rangoon, sir, say Rangoon.....

CAPTAIN: Er Rangoon.....Now, where was I? Ah, yes, as the wind arises-

BYZANTINE: (Cutting the Captain off. Steps up to the lectern, nudging the Captain off the stage.) Thank you, Captain McCleary. Fabulous guests, enjoy the launch. Dinner will be served in the dinning area. The game room is to the left down the small corridor along the starboard side right at the poop deck around the oversized air ducts, nestled in the corner. And, of course, the glass bottomed pool is presently being filled with rain water. We are at your disposal, do not hesitate to call upon our services.

(Svank and Norm are Playing with balloons The passengers mull about, don’t know where to go.)

HERBERT: Bellboy, er whatever your variety is up here..Where are our cabins?

SVANK: (Not sure what to say. Looks to others.) Sir?

ELENORA: Cabins? We do have cabins, do we not?

BYZANTINE: Yes of course. But we here on the Hildebroom like to call them births. Svank and Norm will be more than happily to show you where they are.

SVANK: Har, har.

NORM: He, he.

(Norm and Svank read off the cabin list. The characters pair off with whomever they are called to bunk with, but remain in room. Recite the list like Beat poets hungry for the vibe.)

SVANK: Like the moon and the sun

NORM: Duchess and Katrina are in number one.

SVANK: Like peas in the beef strew

NORM: Elenora and Herbert are in number two.

SVANK: Like wind blowing free

NORM: Mr. Valid and LePetimont are in number three.

SVANK: Like and open and shut door.

NORM: Dr. Dedehha and Mr. Lee are in number four.

SVANK: Like a honeymoon hive.

NORM: Senior del Guapo and Ms. Brew are in number five.

BYZANTINE: (Overly delighted.) Oh, it’s so wonderful to see love sprouted marriages this modern day and age.

MARGARET: (Confused.) Marriages? There must be some mistake.

HERBERT: (Loud and obnoxious.) Mistake, nonsense. Marriage is the pentacle of human relations, the foundation of civilization as we know it, of all that is good and evil, of every-.

ELENORA: (Cutting him off as if she never listens to him.) We’re going on 30 years.

LEE: The moon is honey when love is life.

ALPHONSO: (Into Margaret, sizing her up, but not marriage.) But we’re not on a honeymoon.

LePETIMONT: (Flamboyantly.) Ah, le honeymoon is ovér.

DUCHESS: (To Katrina.) He will certainly never do for you.

MARGARET: We were never married!

(All shocked.)

BYZANTINE: But, then, ma’am, how do you explain...

MARGARET: (Pointing at Alphonso.) I’ve never met this man before in my life.

BYZANTINE: Strange, loving something you’ve never met.

MARGARET: Arrrrrrrghhhh!

SVANK: Well, think over the bright side.

NORM: You’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other.

(MARGARET and ALPHONSO resigned enter cabin. Everyone else “enter” a confined space on stage with their partner, pantomime unpacking, getting to know each other, bickering.)

ALPHONSO: Do not worry, Mss...

MARGARET: (Still a little distraught.) Margaret Brew, American.

ALPHONSO: Delighted. Allow me (Bows.) Alphonso del Guapo.

MARGARET: (Laughing.) You’ve got to be kidding, “del Guapo?”

ALPHONSO: Don’t laugh, the del Guapos have quite a rich history.

MARGARET: Rich, eh?

ALPHONSO: We’ve owned the same land in San Marie Fleurias, Argentina for nearly 300 years, but our wealth is shared amongst the farmers, cobblers and bakers. (Looks out window.) In fact, we’re probably flying over the estate right now.

MARGARET: Wait! ‘del Guapo.’ Now I remember where I’ve heard that name before. Wasn’t there an international scandal when a spy del Guapo squandered top secret information out of a US Consulate.

ALPHONSO: (Chuckles) Oh ho ho, that was only First Lady Wilson’s secret recipe for meatloaf. And that was so many years ago. Hmmmm (more to himself, realizing.) They have yet to catch me.

(The following is said to each perspective cabin mate.)

DOCTOR: Do you snore?

LePETIMONT: (Flippant.)Naturally, it’s ridiculous to be a famous cabaret passer of gas and not..snore?

HERBERT: (Angered.) If I’ve told you a million times, I’ve told you once.

DUCHESS: (Motherly.) If he lights a cigar he’ll expect you to complement his choice of career.

MARGARET: (Smart assed.) Once a spy, always a spy in my book.

LePETIMONT: I’m not sure when the mastery began.

DUCHESS: If he holds your hand, be coy at first, show certain interest, but be sure to convey your boundaries.

LEE: Clouds form. Water drops. Man learns the way.

ELENORA: But, pookie, if you put the undergarments in the shirt drawer, where are we going to put my pearl necklace?

VALID: (Mumbles.) Mmuuajjosofuaggngn

ALPHONSO: (Defensive.) It’s not me you have to worry about. Did you notice how the Duchess of Preenshire nervously patted her forehead?

DUCHESS: If he kisses you, change the conversation to sports or politics. There’s only one thing men like more than-

DOCTOR: I suppose they’ve figured it out, but I have my doubts.

MARGARET: The Captain seemed a little tipsy, too.

KATRINA: (Annoyed.) Auntie, you told me all this when I turned 13. (From memory.) “And if he fondles my body I stab him with this knife.” (Pulls out blade and stabs the air viciously.) Yar, yar!

LEE: Before the end will come the beginning.

ALPHONSO: A drink now and then never hurt a man. Love on the other hand is like the fragrance of angels.

HERBERT: Your feet stank.

LePETIMONT: Someday all the world will have the Great LePetimont to contend with...First Berlin...

DOCTOR: I’d hate to jump to conclusions, first impressions as they tend to be, but that American couple strikes me as rather extraneous.

VALID: Blummm ma ma...

ELENORA: I know I say this every time we set off on one of your ‘must see the world, honey’ adventures, but I feel quizzical about this trip, like something unexpected can happen at any moment.

MARGARET: Tell me more of what you’re like down under. Uh, I mean...about Argentina.

LEE: You can only have so many expectations before you regret everything.

LePETIMONT: Now that we’re all settled, I wonder what there is to do.

HERBERT: Perhaps the activity director can recommend some diversions.

KATRINA: I would like to get out of this stuffy chamber and meet a few of our fellow ‘patrons of the air.’

DOCTOR: A little mind teaser sure would hit the spot right about now.

ALPHONSO: In my home country, we play the most lascivious games.

DUCHESS: I'm afraid the others are not of your lineage, but I suppose we must make the most of it.

LEE: Children aren’t at play, they are themselves.

ELENORA: A quick round of Chatter Cat Roulette would be such fun.

MARGARET: Games? Yes, why not?

(END of scene.)

---------------

SCENE TWO GAME ROOM

(HERBERT, ELENORA, MARGARET, DOCTOR, MR. LEE, LePETIMONT, THE DUCHESS, KATRINA and ALPHONSO are sitting around the same table playing multiple games at once, a sort of hybrid game. The competitive fever grows through the scene into hysteria.)

DUCHESS: Who’s got the double six?

MARGARET: Let’s see, queen’s knight to bishop seven, check.

KATRINA: Two Clubs.

ELENORA: Herbert, it’s your roll.

HERBERT: (Rolls dice.) Yes, luck is my lady tonight. Craps.

LePETIMONT: Double.

DOCTOR: Miss. A-9.

KATRINA: Hit. 3 Hearts.

ALPHONSO: Ha ha, let’s see here Duchess Preenshire. Park Place with three hotels. (Calculating.) You owe me $255.

DUCHESS: Go fish!

HERBERT: I’ll take 3 cards.

ELENORA: I always forget, does a straight beat two pairs?

LEE: It depends. King me.

DUCHESS: Redouble.

MARGARET: (Looking under the table.) Who whacked my shuttlecock.

DOCTOR: 30-Love.

KATRINA: (Flirtatiously.) Three.

ALPHONSO: (Returning flirt.) Thirteen.

KATRINA: 15-two.

ALPHONSO: 25.

KATRINA: 31.

ALPHONSO: Four.

KATRINA: Eight, two for the pair.

ALPHONSO: Eighteen. Pass.

(Captain enters, fiddles with his vest pocket (pocket watch))

LEE: I’ll see your bet and raise you 10.

DOCTOR: Miggins. Ha, ha. Three points you missed.

DUCHESS: Drats!

LePETIMONT: C-9.

(Captain exits.)

KATRINA: Hit. You sunk my aircraft carrier.

ELENORA: 40-Love. Call.

MARGARET: Ha, ha. Perfect! (Spell out.) Q-U-I-S-L-I-N-G. Triple word score and I used all my letters. That’s 101 points.

HERBERT: Quisling. That’s not a word!

LEE: Full House!

MARGARET: Yes it is, it means ‘a traitor that collaborates with an invading enemy.’ Look it up if you don’t believe me, you schmuck.

NORM: (Enters.) Ok, the Zambony’s coming, clear the table. (Big hubba loo! Everyone jumps up. Arguments/fights break out. Finds the Doctor in the mayhem.) Dr. Dedehha, your expertise is wanted on the bridge.

(END of scene.)

*********

SCENE 3 ON THE BRIDGE

1. (NORM, BYZANTINE, and SVANK. are busy away in the control room. CAPTAIN is looking through the wrong end of a telescope.)

DOCTOR: (Enters.) Captain McCleary, how can I help?

CAPTAIN: Ah, yes, Doctor Deheddah, a most urgent matter is at hand. (Keeps looking out the window.) Hypothetically speaking, let us say you are on a Zeppelin going 22 knots per hours and there is a very humongous West African mountain dead ahead. Due to the geographic process of the earth as well as long and latitude atmospheric pressures building to a head, in my head. How much time would you say there is before impact?

SVANK: Order’s sir?

DOCTOR: Without my slide rule, it’s a tricky. Just one question Captain, how tall is the mountain.

CAPTAIN: (Looks out window.) The mountain is, yes the mountain is, I’d say it’s eye level.

DOCTOR: Is that an imaginary ‘i’ or integral ‘i’?”

CAPTAIN: (Buffoonery.) It’s a function of my ensign.

NORM: (At the wheel.) Yes! Awaiting orders sir!

SVANK: I'll have shrimp pâté, schnitzel in bar-BQ sauce and 15 tumblers of port?

BYZANTINE: Yessir, 15 degrees to port.

NORM: (Spinning the wheel.) Aye, aye captain.

DOCTOR: Captain, one more question. What is the mass of the mountain?

CAPTAIN: I suppose Roman Catholic.

BYZANTINE: It doesn’t matter, we just flew over the horn.

CAPTAIN: Ah, yes! Well then, danke Doctor, you have done the utmost service to the Kaiser! You may go back now to waxing your stethoscope.

DOCTOR: Captain Aberdeen McCleary, hmm. Are you really German?

CAPTAIN: (Assuming a faked German accent.) Vy ysss, I am flying the ze Zeppelin am I not?

(END of scene.)

*******

SCENE FOUR IN THE POOL-weeks later

(After lights up freeze, MARGARET, ALPHONSO, KATRINA, LePETIMONT pantomime swimming around.)

MARGARET: (Gathering everyone. Whispers.) I know I can trust you all well enough to tell you something’s been stickin’ the flies on my hide. Call me whipshied, but I’m sure the quirkiness around here has something to do with Captain McCleary’s fob.

KATRINA: (Offended.) Fob?

MARGARET: Yes, his watch fob. Why I remember a time back in Boston.

ALPHONSO: (Suspicious.) Boston?

MARGARET: (Thinking quick.) Boston, ummm. Boston, Oklahoma where I’m from. Anyhoot, this welpsitter snake oil peddler, see, charmed a few hundred dollars from the unsuspectin’ townsfolk with his watch fob. No one figured it out ‘til it was too late. Have any of you ever seen the Captain’s, I mean in person, out in the open? (All shake heads.) And the way he’s always fingering it in his vest pocket. Peculiar.

LePETIMONT: Are you insinuating that the sweet Captain McCleary is fobbing something important with his fob?

MARGARET: Well, sure as a buffalo slaughter on the Union rail. And I sure we can clear up the buggaloo around here if we could only get our hands on it without his knowing.

KATRINA: But it’s the Captain your talking about, the skipper of the Hildebroom! I can think of no one more innocent than that man.

MARGARET: Wake up, Katrina, no body is innocent! OK, who’s in on Operation Fob Nab? Alph?

ALPHONSO: Count me in. But I don’t think the Duchess should be told.

KATRINA: (Shocked.) But.. but... I’ve know her for years. She’s raised me.

MARGARET: All the more reason to be suspicious. Schooled in the techniques of observation and manipulation, she must be watched perhaps more than any other...

ALPHONSO: And you, Katrina, you must not breathe a word of this to anyone. (Looks into her eyes.)

KATRINA: (Melts.) Oh... darling...(Kisses Alphonso.).

MARGARET: (Disgusted.) Fah. even in the middle of dire chaos.

ALPHONSO: No need for jealousy.. darling.. (Looks into Margaret eyes.)

MARGARET: (Melts.) Oh... darling...(Kisses Alphonso.).

LePETIMONT: (Big fart out of ass .) Ah, la donna é mobile.

MARGARET: (Breaks out of spell.) Remember...watch the fob. (END of scene.)

________________

SCENE FIVE BREAKFAST-The next morning

(Everyone but Svank enters by themselves, glancing suspicious. move around like musical chairs... when last person C comes in, everyone dives for empty seat. only captain is left standing.)

CAPTAIN: (Resigned.) Oh, I say, well, responsibility is a lonely post.

NORM: (Trying to cheer him up.) All that glitters is not a golden rod, Captain.

MARGARET: Where’s the java? Mornings are miserable if they lack a cup of joe.

ALPHONSO: (Jokingly.) But funerals are lovely.

MARGARET: I hate morbidity. Why are you always going on about death anyway? Do you know something we don’t?

ALPHONSO: Me? Ah ha...no I was just making a-

MARGARET: (Cutting him off.) Don’t pretend you don’t know, Alphy.

DUCHESS: Nobody’s seen the waiter this morning. It's a disgrace.

KATRINA: (On 'morning.') And his pants were found stuck in the door to the water closet.

ELENORA: (On 'stuck.' Overcome.) I feel a terrible ecracious aura lurking.

LePETIMONT: (On 'closet.') Only le Shadows know.

ALPHONSO: (To the CAPTAIN.) So, Captain McCleary, the waiter's been murdered, and you’ve kept it from us all this time! Is that responsible?

CAPTAIN: Ich, uh, I don’t know where Svank is. I suppose he’s, uh... (Lost.) I was only trying to protect everyone.

DOCTOR: (Rationalizing.) I don’t think we have to jump to conclusions.

HERBERT: Well, it may have happened in between shifts of the staff. That would be the most logical time. The most statistically accurate.

LEE: The tundra renounces signature and invites timeless memory.

MARGARET: Come to think of it, I don’t remember Svank not being here before.

KATRINA: (Concluding.) He’s been undone.

ELENORA: Done in.

DUCHESS: Irregardless, how are we supposed to eat? I can smell the food, but without a waiter, how are we to get it!

CAPTAIN: (Nervous.) There is plenty of coffee here. Norm why don’t you get everyone a cup, to calm everyone’s nerves.

{Coffee dance. Everybody sips cups and begins to talk faster and faster, and looking at each other with more and more suspicion.}

DUCHESS: Why, this coffee has no cream. Katrina, put that down. Ladies don’t drink creamless coffee.

ALPHONSO: Duchess, have you been smelling the hydrogen tanks again?

LePETIMONT: Knock. Knock.

DOCTOR: What?

LePETIMONT: Knock. Knock?

HERBERT: (Trying to change the subject.) Duchess, do you enjoy impressionism?

LePETIMONT: No, no. You say, "Who is there?"

KATRINA: Oh no, she never gambles.

ELENORA: Oh Herbert... she’s the aristocracy. (To DUCHESS.) He really is so course. Please accept my apology.

DUCHESS: I never accept apologies from Americans on principle.

NORM: Would you accept a crumpet? More coffee, perhaps. Advice, three Irish children with Catholic proportions. The end of the world?

ALPHONSO: I notice, Duchess, that you have a tendency to recline towards obtuse generalities.

MARGARET: What are you saying, Alf?

KATRINA: Oh, why must everyone be so cruel?

LePETIMONT: Because we can blame modern society for everything.

DOCTOR: Because, my dear Katrina, someone... someone here, on this very ship, in this very room... has committed a murder! (All gasps.) But more... and far worse... it seems there is an international spy in our midst, trying to retrieve secret dirigible technology for the interests of a tiny, elite, maniacal oligarchy! And he...

(Staccato. Each says their line with increasing intensity rising to an emotional outrage.)

BYZANTINE: ...or she...

DOCTOR: ...will stop at nothing to achieve those ends!

CAPTAIN: ...murder...

DUCHESS: ...poison..

ALPHONSO: ...carnage..

MARGARET: ... massacre, shoot-out, round up, the final slaughter...

NORM: ... stampede, evil death, destruction of the source....

HERBERT: ...prohibitionist...foreigners...

KATRINA: ...American nationalist exports, labor unions...

ELENORA: ...anti-Christian alcoholism...

LePETIMONT: ...sports, cinema, radio vision...

CAPTAIN: ...in short, doom for... (Cuts the level back to the practical, overcome by natural urges.) Uh, excuse me.

BYZANTINE: Where are you going, Captain?

CAPTAIN: I’ve... got to attend...

ALPHONSO: Excuse me. (Pushes past the Captain.)

CAPTAIN: I say. (Exits. Byzantine follows.)

MARGARET: Hmmm. Has anyone noticed the Captain? He seems to be operating somewhat suspiciously...

KATRINA: The fob?

DUCHESS: The what?

LePETIMONT: (To KATRINA.) Ssssshhhh!

KATRINA: You ssssshhhhhhhh!

LePETIMONT: (Bows.) I have, in the greatest cabarets of gran Paris.

MARGARET: The both of you put a cork in it. About the Captain-

DUCHESS: Where did the Senior del Guapo go so abruptly?

KATRINA: May I go home now, Auntie?

DUCHESS: Present yourself proper, Katrina. There is nothing like a test of ones faith to build character.

KATRINA: But isn’t character bad for my complexion?

LEE: The more complex the simple things become the less simple complex things will be. (Pause.) Please pardon my absence. (Exits.)

KATRINA: Oh, I feel queasy! (Exits.)

DUCHESS: Was it something I said?

LePETIMONT: More often than not it’s what’s not said than said. (Farts.) Excuse me. Ha ha, le Pue. (Exits.)

DUCHESS: Perhaps someone should keep an eye on my niece. I bid my adieu. (Exits.)

DOCTOR: (Pipes in.) A family that leaves together, stays together.

HERBERT: (Slyly like a cautious person making a bet in a high stakes poker game.) Interesting you should say that, being an orphan as you are.

DOCTOR: (Shocked and cornered.) How...how do you know that?

HERBERT: Doctor, it’s impossible to stay anonymous in this modern age. Especially if one is a - - revolutionary!

(All shocked.)

ELENORA: Herbert, is it true!

MARGARET: (Sidelines enthusiasm.) Yeah hoo!

(The Doctor is speechless realizing his been exposed.)

HERBERT: (More confident knowing he’s got him.) Yes, that’s right! In Salonika, the Dardanelles, on the Caucasus front, Gallipoli, but you didn’t stop there did you-(Accusatory.) Doctor Enver Bey?

DOCTOR: (Spiteful, lashing out. Pointing at Herbert.) At least I do not employ child labor from Uruguay on my toy assembly line! (Exits in disgust.)

MARGARET: Too bad I can’t eat all the worms in this can, I’m getting hungry.

ELENORA: (To Herbert.) You did it again, didn’t you! (Exits.)

HERBERT: (After her.) Elenora, honey, wait sugar buns....

MARGARET: (Norm is still serving coffee, oblivious to what's happening. Margaret notices she's all alone.) Damnit, I gotta pee!

(END of scene.)

************

SCENE SIX BATHROOM

(Everyone shows up in line. Alphonso first, then Captain, LePetimont, Katrina, Duchess, Doctor, Elenora, Herbert, and finally Margaret, Norm and Byzantine. Everyone squeezing legs. Agitated and at each other’s throats.)

ALPHONSO: (Knocks on door.) Come on in there, open up.

CAPTAIN: My bladder, please have mercy.

MARGARET: It seems more than your bladder has swollen, Captain. What exactly are you in line for?

BYZANTINE: It looks like the pressures on.

CAPTAIN: I can’t stand the gaff.

DUCHESS: (Hands in the air.) All the lavish accouterments, and only one washing closet.

LePETIMONT: One good hole does deserves another.

KATRINA: (Holding nose.) Ooooooohhhh, how did I ever get stunk behind you.

LePETIMONT: With this gas we will glide, ever onward, into the fair horizon. Give me liberty to pass this gas.

MARGARET: Putrescence!

NORM: Far out, fart man, we’ll all fart together, were all one large fart, farted out of a giant fartman.

DOCTOR: There is no way for us to wonder about the affect all this will have on the atmosphere.

ALPHONSO: The torment is killing me. It is not enough the constant terror of a murderer on board, one of you, but to be forced to stand in line with him.

MARGARET: Or her.

ELENORA: (To Herbert.) Didn’t I tell you. What did I say. Things were going to be peculiar and look how it turns out. Paradonius, (To Doctor.) that's my mystic. He was right! He said I had a gift for the futurology and here I am...

DOCTOR: I’m sure there’s a logical reason why our waiter wasn’t present.

HERBERT: Yes, ‘cause he’s dead!

MARGARET: (Reaches over to pound on the door.) Hurry up in there! Mrs. Folgers is about to erupt!

KATRINA: What about the poop deck?

LEE: Serenity... that even in the most pristine chaos humanity is bound be the fact we all shit and piss.

DUCHESS: (Getting very agitated.) Oh, shut up will you! Everyone shut up, it’s hard to concentrate with all your racket!

MARGARET: Who’s flying this thing anyways?

CAPTAIN: (Looks around, finally realizes it's him.) Schvartze ! (Runs out.)

(Everyone is thrown into frenzy. All exit. Svank comes out of the bathroom door sipping up his pants.)

1. (END of scene.)

*********

SCENE SEVEN GAME ROOM

(The whole gang is present. Begin in the mist of a conversation. Katrina has a globe.)

KATRINA: It's really not that difficult.

HERBERT: Let me see it. (Grabs the globe.) Ok, the sun is here. Now it's midnight. (Turning the globe.) It's midnight here, midnight here-

LePETIMONT: It is so arbitrary to me. Where ever it turn it's midnight.

DOCTOR: And where ever it turns midnight it's the next day. Why have a line at all?

KATRINA: If we didn't have one, then how would we switch from one day to the next?

DOCTOR: No, wait, I think I have got it! to the East of here (Pointing on the globe.) it is Monday and to the West it is Sunday.

KATRINA: Nope, it's just the opposite. you gain a day if you're heading West and lose one going East. It's really not that difficult. Without a dateline it's just a number, and who would want that?

NORM: All I know is you get painted with pig's blood and hoisted up the mast and the whole crew sings Cantonese Fertility songs to ritualize the first time you cross it.

(Byzantine enters and is ready to announce something when the Captain rushes in, slams the door, sweating. He’s surprised to find the room full.)

CAPTAIN: (Panting.) Ahh... attention, everyone, if I may half you’re attention...

BYZANTINE: Have their attention, Captain. its ‘at half mast...’

CAPTAIN: (To Byzantine.) They have pills for that now, Byzantine. But we do not need to hear about your bedroom problems, not now at least. The blimp is way off course. (To passengers.) Attention, please. The Hildebroom is way off course. We were heading to Bangkok but it looks more like it might be Bandung. Then again it might Brooklyn.

BYZANTINE: What the Captain is trying to say is-

CAPTAIN: (Cutting him off.) Strong tailwinds seems to have altered the mamometer.

BYZANTINE: That’s magnometer!

CAPTAIN: Yeah, ahhh, right. I still do not know about my tail, but the winds seem to be somehow emanated from inside the ship.

ALPHONSO: A saboteur! I knew it!

ELENORA: We’re all going to die! We’re all going down!

BYZANTINE: The statoscope has been cracked. There is no way to know where we are. But if we are to come out of this alive, I am afraid we must forestall our differences and work together.

MARGARET: Then maybe we should take a roll call Captain.

CAPTAIN: That is a very gut plan. All those on ship must report to the dining room at once. A Dinner roll will be called.

MARGARET: Suooi! I’m a still hungry. (All exit.)

(END of scene.)

_____

SCENE EIGHT DINING ROOM

(Dinner table. One empty chair.)

CAPTAIN: Byzantine, will you read off the passenger roster, bité?

BYZANTINE: Lee Loo Eee?

LEE: Ohm.

BYZANTINE: Dr. Wadi Dedehha?

DOCTOR: Scheduled.

BYZANTINE: Margaret Brew?

MARGARET: Sooeei.

BYZANTINE: Duchess of Preenshire?

DUCHESS: M’lord.

BYZANTINE: Katrina Katrice, the Duchess’ niece?

KATRINA: (Bashful.) Oh, yes sir.

BYZANTINE: Mr. LePetimont?

LePETIMONT: Braap.

BYZANTINE: Alphonso Del Guapo?

ALPHONSO: (Ridiculing the process.) Si, si.

BYZANTINE: Mr. Herbert And Elenora Americana?

HERBERT: We’re here right, old boy.

BYZANTINE: Henry Gifford? (Silence). Ahh, Mr. Henry...Gifford? (Silence. Everyone looks at each other suspiciously.)

NORM: There’s nobody named Henry Gifford on board.

DUCHESS: Ahhh.. (Screams, faints. Everybody moves in to revive her.)

MARGARET: What is it? What’s wrong?

DOCTOR: (Assisting the Duchess and waving everyone back.) Stand back give her some air, give her some air. (LePETIMONT moves in.) Not you!

(Duchess comes to.)

CAPTAIN: Ma’am, what is it?

DUCHESS: (Still hazy headed. Panting.) A man Henry Gifford was my personal costume designer, quite a profatory one too, until he made me go to the Groussay ball at the Labia Palace dressed like Catherine the Great with a horse strapped around my waist. I swore I’d-(Hesitates, afraid to speak her mind.)

BYZANTINE: Yes?

DUCHESS: (Real feisty.) I’d sour his marpau if ever I saw him again!

LePETIMONT: (Starts to make connection.) Reminds me of the Henry Gifford who owned the Red Horse Club where I used to perform. Quite a tart he was.

ELENORA: (Confesses.) He was my psychologist. (Breaks down.) He was well aware of that period in my life when I continually over slept my bounds.

HERBERT: Oh, honey bunny. (Comforts her.)

ELENORA: It was before we married. When my hair was slender and I was long.

HERBERT: I understand.

ELENORA: He really didn’t mean-anything, at the moment, at all, to me.

HERBERT: Surely, darling.

ELENORA: I never, I mean we never did anything non-commitedly unauthorized...

HERBERT: (Getting a little sensitive and jealous.) Please, sugar, not another word. I suppose I must confess that same Henry Gifford was also our PR man at the factory. That bastard knew the whole, damn -(Pause.)

BYZANTINE: Com’on, put all the cards on the table.

HERBERT: OK, we were running a scam passing imitation Floopy dolls as the real thing. But then he disappeared without a trace. I always feared he’d show up and indict me.

KATRINA: (Innocently.) He was my polo mentor until he took one too many swings with his stick in my direction.

ALPHONSO: A Henry Gifford was a fellow student of mine in the Universidad of Bueñas Aires. He finked on the radical student organizations.

LEE: He was a splinter I got in my left hand while chopping wood.

MARGARET: I was in love once with a Hank P. Gifford. But he ran off with a floozy from St. Louis. Arrrrgh!

DUCHESS: (Struggling to get up.) So it seems we all have a past with this Mr. Gifford. But, but don’t you see? The murderer! Henry killed one of YOU and took his place.

MARGARET: (Coming towards the Duchess.) And you, why not you?

DUCHESS: (Aristocratically defensive.) It’s obvious I haven’t been murdered.

LePETIMONT: You look as close to death as any of us.

HERBERT: The scoundrel! Then there IS a spy in our midst.

DOCTOR: It’s just as plausible he, the murderer, killed Henry, instead, before we got on the blimp.

ALPHONSO: Then he must have disappeared and taken the place of one of us.

KATRINA: And that’s when he killed the waiter!

MARGARET: My god! We’re all going to die!

KATRINA: I want to go home!

NORM: Afraid that’s impossible, ma’am. look out the window. (Everyone looks.)

ALPHONSO: My god! It’s the fall of the Ottoman Empire, right before our eyes. You’re right. If we landed, Caesar would never let us go. It’s like the murder of the archduke of Ferdinand.

BYZANTINE: We must fly onward, wherever it takes us... there is no other choice.

KATRINA: Why can't we just choose otherwise?

HERBERT: Ha ha, that would make things a bit too simple, now wouldn't it.

DOCTOR: I think it pays to reason that the mind of the murderer may be so twisted, so warped by the distorting fields of emotional depravity and irrationality, that he...

ALPHONSO: Or she..

DOCTOR: Right. or she, may appear to us as someone logical and... normal...

KATRINA: Like... one of.. us, Doctor?

DOCTOR: That is exactly right. Just like... one of us. Someone so far gone, so beyond insanity, so completely deluded in their relationship to the truth, victim of such a complete break with reality, that they would appear to be... just like us.

DUCHESS: And yet... a murderer?

DOCTOR: Exactly, my good lady.

KATRINA: But... my god.. if this is true...

LEE: Then there is no god... you see, when the ant in the grass sees a shadow fall upon it, the terror in its heart couldn’t fill a spoon, no matter how large its heart, no matter how small the spoon.

HERBERT: What are you saying Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee? You know, all murderers are atheists, cause they aren’t afraid of god. All Americans are afraid of god. Are you anti-American? Are you one of those foreign communists? Huh? Are you? Huh? (Starts pushing MR. LEE.)

CAPTAIN: Stop it, stop it! I cant stand the violence. (Cries.)

KATRINA: (Comforts the Captain.) Now look what you’ve done, you’ve made him cry. Can’t you see you’re tearing us all apart?

ALPHONSO: (Hysterically patronizing.) Maybe that just what we need to do, shred our quaint petite fabric apart at the seam to expose every pore of harbored context.

DOCTOR: Interesting. I thought this only occurred in primitive genetic pools. The data is... fascinating... to say the least.

ALPHONSO: Then you should try saying even less, Doctor. What kind of doctor are you, anyway? I’ve yet to see you actually be a doctor. Maybe you’re the murderer... perfect, how perfect, to disguise yourself as a Healer of Souls, and yet, to take the life of another.

MARGARET: No, its the Captain! Can’t you see how he’s manipulating us through his tears? He wants to lead us all off, trap us on this death blimp so he can have his evil way with us, one by one! my god! We’re all going to die, I tell you, die!

(All silent. Look at each other and shrug. Turn back to captain. Talk amongst themselves quietly.)

CAPTAIN: Ahem, well, yes. So, ummm. So, you see the trouble we are in. Its not only that we are trapped, adrift on a ship of gas, danger pummeling us from every side, living amongst a murderer possibly disguised as one of ourselves.

HERBERT: Speak for yourself, Captain.

KATRINA: Duchess, may I go home now?

DUCHESS: Shh, Katrina.

ALPHONSO: (Sleazing in on Katrina.) Don’t worry, I shall take care of you.

MARGARET: (Offended.) Arrh! Now she’s really in trouble.

BYZANTINE: Captain, what are you going to do?

CAPTAIN: Not even Von Hisenberg could have made such a decision with certainty, Byzantine. This calls for plan XC3. (Exits.)

(END of scene.)

_____________

SCENE NINE HALLWAY

CAPTAIN: (Frantically runs by see Svank wondering obviously the hallways.) Svank! You’re in deep caca! I hate to be the first to tell you, but I suppose you’ve been murdered.

SVANK: (Very shocked.) Murdered? But Captain, I don’t feel dead. I was just familiarizing myself with the Chambermaid.

CAPTAIN: We’re experiencing the worst disaster since Gutstein and you want to tippie toe around technicalities. (Slight pause.) You’re not Henry Gifford are you?

SVANK: (Not catching the connection.) No.

CAPTAIN: (Proud of himself for at least solving one thing.) Well , there you have it. Feel blessed son. You might have been murdered but at least you’re not the murderer. Now be a good boy and run along to the crow nest and fire up the emergency Tripochantic vibrofibulator.

SVANK: (Figuring an angle.) Hold on there, Captain. If I’m dead, according to line 34c of the contract with Local Dastach 405 I have the right to refuse to work!

CAPTAIN: So be it, you lazy bum. (Rushes off.)

(END of scene.)

**********

SCENE TEN BRIDGE

CAPTAIN: (Over intercom.) And now, for the pleasure, and to keep everyone from killing each other, we will have Harry James and his Orchestra play for us. Couples, dancing will take place on the balling room floor in half an hour. That’s Harry James and his Orchestra, the balling room floor in half an hour.

BYZANTINE: Do you think that’s wise, Captain? After all, it would make it harder for us to find out just who killed Svank.

CAPTAIN: Three degrees down, Byzantine. Well, yes. but I think if everyone were in the same room, it would be harder for the murderer to get away. Especially if he has a gun. The noise might disturb the parrots in the hold...

BYZANTINE: Umm, yes Captain. Should I inform Svank that he’s on soon?

CAPTAIN: No, don’t bother, he’s on a death strike. Well, I’m off to get ready. When all’s squared away, put her on auto-de-fa pilot and come on down.

____________

SCENE ELEVEN BALLROOM

(HENRY Begins to play. Everyone holds hands over head, and mills around, smiling and bowing to each other. Smiles more like grimaces. Couples begin to dance keep the other off at arms length. Duchess wanders over, taps Henry on arm. He stops playing.)

DUCHESS: My good sir, where’s your orchestra?

HENRY: (Jokester.) Down my pants.

(Everyone gasps.)

KATRINA: (Playing along with the joke.) Is it very big?

HENRY: There’s no room on the blimp for it.

KATRINA: (Laughs, smiles.)

ALPHONSO: Come now. If there’s one thing there’s room for on a floating ball of gas, its a one man Klezmer band. (To Katrina.) Would you like this dance?

KATRINA: No... I think... (Approaches Mr. Valid.) Would you care to...

VALID: Unh. grnnh. (Falls back down. Katrina picks up his hand, begins hand dance in place.)

ALPHONSO: Hmp.

HERBERT: (Comes up to Alphonso and puts an old boy club arm around his shoulders.) Com’ on, boy, you just have to try harder. And don’t be so European. I tell you, only straight forward American inventiveness can capture the wandering lusts of a youthful generation. You know, nuts and bolts. Stick to the statistics, m’boy. Plus, if you remind them of some movie star they’ve seen...

MARGARET: (Overhearing Herbert.) Fah. typical. They can be so annoying when they’re trying. Of course, if the right one is trying, its a dream come true. Like Johnny Western...

DUCHESS: (Swooned.) Or young Count Everhard...

ELENORA: (Trying to look more pious.) Or Reverend Liplock...

BYZANTINE: (Frolicly.) Or Glen.. or Glenda...

DUCHESS: (To LePetimont.) I say, you have your hand down my dress.

LePETIMONT: Pardon moís. I thought this was the souvenir shop, si vous plait.

(Alphonso has pulled Margaret aside to make love with her. She resists his affections.)

MARGARET: I’ve been brooding. This mess is more rocky than a mountain of oysters. Oh, what does it matter anyways? So, the Captains fob is missing. That waiter is dead and we’re lost in the Himalayas. At base, there’s nothing really. We’re a loft on NOTHING. NOTHING no how-(Pause. Alphonso renews groping.) Should call it a Gaff zippelin. Leave me, love me if you must. Break that there bottle of Perion Deboise ‘09 and pierce my heart with the injustices of the world. We’ll still be stuck in this ghastly blimp.

ALPHONSO: (Feebly attempting to coax her.) But, Margaret, what of the tomorrows, the questions unanswered, the frog in my throat, the hole in my heart. If you were not, nor would I be.

MARGARET: Better watch ‘em double negatives, they might be yur doin’ in.

ALPHONSO: (Shocked.) Oh, I can not think of such a misfortune.

MARGARET: Believe you me, I’d miss your fortune if you were not neither. But, all said and done the only potential we have here, near the heavens, is down, no matter who murders who.

ALPHONSO: Aren’t you the least bit curious, if nothing else, who the murderer might be. (Pause to think.) Ah, mí japón, perhaps, it’s you, you’re the murderer! Only the murderer would not be so curious as who she is.

MARGARET: (At last embracing him as if he were just jesting.) You know what they say, distance and irrationality makes the heart grow fonder. We were made for each other-

ALPHONSO: (Squirming out of her arms.) Yeah, like the victim’s made by the victimizer. ARRRRHHHHH! (Runs off.)

MARGARET: (Yelling after him.) Besides what would it matter if I were the murderer, you spy?

BYZANTINE: (Approaching the Captain from off stage.) Captain, there’s a plane signaling to us. I think they want to dock.

CAPTAIN: (Thrown into a frenzy.) Air Pirates! Quick, send in the Masquerading Henchmen of Friberg!

BYZANTINE: Ah, no sir. I think there’s only one of them. And she’s a woman!

CAPTAIN: Thank god. At least it’s not my wife. Well, what are you waiting for? Dock the plane.

MARGARET: (Staring out the window.) Something’s happening. Look! There’s a plane outside and a woman is getting out!

(Everyone rushes over to one side window. Big ruckus as everyone falls over each other.)

DUCHESS: This is the end! The end! We’re tipping over!

LePETIMONT: We will flip and be dumped like a virgin from the chair of chastity.

HERBERT: (The only one standing.) It’s all right. The ballast in these blimps can handle a herd of elephants.

LEE: (Gets up.) You Americans. There is no end. Buddha says, we are constantly in the middle. the middle of the middle, the middle of the beginning, and the middle of the-

HERBERT: (Cuts him off. Short tempered.) Enough. enough already. Get on with life my man.

LEE: (Everyone freezes. Lights fade and settle with a spot directly above him.) A man says he wants to learn skydiving. He finds out that the best teacher is this Buddhist master in Yespan. So, he travels all the way to Yespan, finds the guy and convinces him to take him on as a student. He then goes through a year of meditation and intensive study. Finally, the teacher says he is ready. They go up in a plane, and the student is still a little nervous. The teacher calms him, tells him to relax. He says, “If something goes wrong, just remember your studies. Pull your parachute cord. If the parachute doesn’t open then pull the emergency cord.” “And what if that fails?” the student asks. “Then meditate and find your center, Buddha will help you,” the teacher replies. Finally, the time comes to jump, and the student flies through the air. But when he pulls the cord for his parachute, nothing happens. Feeling a twinge of anxiety, he ignores it and calmly pulls the emergency cord. But once again, nothing happens. So, he concentrates and finds his center, where he asks Buddha for help. Opening his eyes, he sees the ground racing towards him just as a huge golden hand comes down (Act this out with your one hand.) of the clouds and scoops him up to gently to lower him to the ground. He yells out a relief, “Thank god!” And that was when the hand turned over and squashed him flat. (Slam hand over into other hand, clap.)

(AMELIA enters.)

DUCHESS: My lord. Who is that?

ELENORA: Where did she come from?

DOCTOR: Watch out, it's-it's Henry Gifford! (Big hoobba-loo.)

AMELIA: (Calm, homely in her wonderfully warm Mid-West manner.) Hello, I’m Amelia Earhart. I’ve only stopped by to refresh my drinking water supply and use your facilities if I may.

NORM: (Sarcastic.) Good luck!

ALPHONSO: (Approaching Amelia.) Calm down, clam up, everyone, she’s harmless, a tourist of the airwaves. Would all the men like to gather in this corner and discuss the possibility of an all night poker game while I gladly show our guest around.

HERBERT: Not now, Alposo. I want to check out her plane, myself. You know I was quite the aviator in my days. (To Amelia.) What are you flying?

AMELIA: A Lockheed, Electra.

HERBERT: See, Alfonzi. Whatta I say, American know how! (Leans on lever that drops the plane.)

AMELIA: (Rushes to window.) Ahhh! My god! You’ve released the fibbulator! My plane!

MARGARET: (Amazed at Herbert’s stupidity.) My god! Its falling away, ripping in half!

HERBERT: (Arrogantly nostalgic for the durable products of the past.) Back in the war we built planes out of toilet paper and toothpicks.

DUCHESS: Shut up, you dry pitted Yank. Look what you’ve done! Her plane is tearing itself apart, falling away.

KATRINA: (Crying.) Ahhh, I want to go home now.

AMELIA: (Sits and cries. Devastated.) My plane, my plane!

MARGARET: You lousy show off oaf. Typical. It was our only chance to escape this cycle. Now we are all trapped... alone, together... (Pointing to Herbert.) he’s obviously trying to kill us all.

ALPHONSO: Just as I suspected. A drunk industrialist is always a saboteur to the true cause of humanity.

ELENORA: My stars. De va ju. I’ve seen this all before, in a dream, exactly as-

KATRINA: He’s going to kill us all!

ELENORA: Yes, she said that and then you (Pointing to Margaret.), but you had a beard with no mustache and you spoke French.

LePETIMONT: (Excited.) Maybe that was moís!

ELENORA: Yes, (Very quickly. Motioning to LePetimont.) And you said, ummmm, “It’s just lie those magazines. It’s all true. She might even be able to cause fires at a distance." (Waits for LePetimont to say it.)

LePETIMONT: I’ll try. ‘It’s just like those.’ (Look to Elenora to make sure he’s saying it right.) Magazines. It’s all through...

ELENORA: True!

ALPHONSO: Amazing.

DOCTOR: I’ve heard about the possibilities.

HERBERT: What else, honey? What do we do next?

ALL: (Clamor.) Yes, Yes! Tell us.

ELENORA: Ah, please. (Raises hand to forehead, eyes closed to concentrate.) I must con-cen-trate. (All quiet.) The Captain enters with no pants on (Captain enters with no pants on .) and begins to sing Edelweiss. (Captain begins to sings off key.) And then a third arm grows out of his face (Captain stops singing and looks in amazement at her.) and he tosses yellow globs of mucus at all of us and we turn into stone figurine fountains like-

AMELIA: (Gone into complete hysterics due to the shock.) Arrr...you’re all crazy. By the birds, I must get out of here. Its absolutely insane, you’ve destroyed my life, Oh, bird, bird, how I wish you were here with me now, if only I could talk to you again... why has it come to this? Everyone on this blimp is a lunatic, seemingly out to get-

DOCTOR: (Cutting in.) Whoa, whoa, Ms. Earhart. Ms. Earhart, can you hear me?

AMELIA: (In a daze. Starts to leave.) I’ve got to get to a radio. I gotta reach Itasca, maybe they can retrieve the Flying Laboratory. The bird... must find Howland Island.

DOCTOR. (Rushing over to grab Amelia.) Someone, please help me restrain her... get some thorazine pentathol barbiturates... she is obviously suffering from an advanced case of aeroneurosis.

HERBERT: Here doc, you’ve got my help. (The two men manage to strong arm Amelia. Someone produces a huge horse needle and try to stick her.)

AMELIA: What are you doing! Get away from me! What’s the needle? Ahh! Ahh! Suffragettes, where are you now? I recognize no one.

MARGARET: We never were afraid of a little old needle back on the farm.

KATRINA: Ohhh, I can’t watch.

DUCHESS Avert your eyes, my dear, the poor lady is hysterical. The loss of her plane, perhaps... it was too much for her fragile mind, she’s cracked.

DOCTOR: Put the needle in... now! (Tries to prick her, but she weasels out of their grasp.)

AMELIA: Ooowowowowow! Ahhhhh! (Jumps up, runs around screaming.) You’re all crazy! What the hell are you talking about? I just stopped by for a cool drink, and stumble across a blimp of insane paranoiacs.

DOCTOR: Ahh, the Kleisenstein reversal. A technique used frequently by those suppressing schizophrenic tendencies from a young age. She could be dangerous. Watch out!

AMELIA: Get away from me, you, you freaks! (Starts running in place. All rest just stare at her. Rambles.) I’ve got to get away from them... anywhere, I don’t care. Through this small hole...though this door (mime stuff), past the engine room... ahh, the bowels of the ship. Calm, peace, quiet... I’ll have to hide out here until this thing lands... relying on my instincts for survival.... Oh, I feel woozy... need my compass. (Sound of bird: tweet tweet.) Oh, is that my bird? Do I hear his sweet voice again... I’m getting so tired.. must lay down... hope they.. don’t.. find me... goodnight, bird... protect me.

CAPTAIN: We can’t have her living around here, she’ll throw off all our calculations.

BYZANTINE: Well we can’t go after her, its a labyrinth down there.

MARGARET: It would be too risky. The murderer could pick us off one by one...

KATRINA: (Scared.) Ohhhh...

ALPHONSO: Or two by two.

LEE: When Buddha came to Noah’s ark, he swayed in the tall breeze. “Are they coming into the world together? Or are they leaving this world apart?” (Silence.)

**(Revealed off stage, Amelia alone, huddling around small candle, now her face is all dirty. She’s rocking back and forth, talking to herself, muttering. Big bird stands behind her.)

CAPTAIN: (Holding up four fingers.) But three! Three will out number the murder! Byzantine, Norm, let’s go. We must save the Hildebroom from inevitable doom. (All 3 exit gallantly.)

ELENORA: All I can say is they certainly did not mention any of this in the tourist brochure.

MARGARET: (Starts to back away from the rest, paranoid.) Horsefeather my ass! All I can say is I don’t trust a stinkin’ one of you. I’m the only one who’s not crazy. I know who I am. I’m not crazy.

ALPHONSO: Crazy, hmmmmm? But you’re not Margaret Brew either are you? I noticed that your luggage had the initials T.L.C.

DUCHESS: (Joining the others closing in on Margaret.) She’s an imposer!

HERBERT: A charlatan!

LePETIMONT: Womanizer! No wait...pedestrian...

MARGARET: (Breaks down.) Yes, it is true, I am really Tracy Lynn Cook, a homely school teacher from Connecticut. I met Margaret, the real Margaret Brew is from Montana, gruff, adventuresome. She’d come to Trumble to give a lecture on the Wild West, I was inspired. I thought I could just assume her identity, and be somebody.

HERBERT: (To the others.) Oh, that’s the oldest story in the book! You aren’t falling for this trickery are you. She just wants to warm your hearts, gain your confidence (Leans in to Margaret.) then slit your throats. (Stands back up, throwing his arms in the air.) She’s a fraud!

ALPHONSO: (Dejected.) America... oh that I should ever have thought I loved you. Betrayed by trickery and deceit.

MARGARET: (Very sincere.) I meant no harm!

ALPHONSO: America is nothing but prisons filled with conscientious objectors and big movie screens. And Americans, like you, outside of America, floating in dirigibles above...above?

CAPTAIN: (Guessing.) We’re above Spain now.

ALPHONSO: Ahhh... Spain... homeland of the heart! But you Americans outside of America, floating on big gas balls. Why, you’re the most suspicious of all! Why are you here? Why! Why!

HERBERT: What are you, some kind of Spanish communist? a Spamunist? Haven’t you heard spamunists are agents of the devil! They run California! Its time to get them out of office! everybody, help me! This man is rabid! Cut out his tongue! I bet he votes democratic!

ALPHONSO: (Backing out.) Stay away from me, you psychotic American. You read the tabloids! You’re high on hormones and sugar! You.. you imperialist industrialist individualist! (Thinks.) Fascists! That’s it. Fascists! I’m leaving! The Spanish Civil War calls! For the people! And I hear they allow women in the army. There is no cause greater than love! (Jumps out door, backstage.)

KATRINA: (Looking out at him, watching him fall.) Oh. he forgot to take his parachute.

DUCHESS: He’ll be a father before he knows it.

(CAPTAIN, BYZANTINE, and NORM return.)

DUCHESS: Any luck finding the fiend?

CAPTAIN: (Begins proudly, as if ready to solve everything.) I’m afraid we got caught by the hors d’oeuvres plate left in the Stateroom.

BYZANTINE: (Looking about.) My god, where’s Alphonso?

KATRINA: He jumped ship over Spain.

CAPTAIN: (Embarrassed.) Actually, I think it was Singapore after all.

BYZANTINE: Damn, he was on the top of my list of suspects.

CAPTAIN: (Takes a deep breath. Resigned. Trying to muster the conviction of a sage.) Well , I could say it a zillion times, someone here is still a murderer.

MARGARET: Or a spy.

HERBERT: Or spied the murderer.

NORM: Or murdered the spy. In which case all bets are off.

DUCHESS: I certainly know I’m not the murderer. It’s below me to even think of espionage.

LePETIMONT: What do you think of up there in that rat nest? (Duchess does not respond.) Corset too tight?

DOCTOR: (Stemming another outbreak.) Wait, let’s think this through before we lose all sense of who we are.

KATRINA: (Hopeful.) Again.

DOCTOR: (Reasoning.) If someone was murdered.

MARGARET: (Snidely.) ‘If,’ pugff! (Motions to SVANK who innocently stands off in the corner looking embarrassed.) Obviously Henry Gifford killed the waiter and might have killed one of us while he was at it.

DOCTOR: Ok, there is a murderer and if there is one then it must be one of us. We can all agree on that? (Lot’s of ummmm, “well...yes.”) And, since no one’s willing, in all decency, to confess to the obvious crimes, he-

KATRINA: (Happy with herself for jumping on it.) Or she.

DOCTOR: Has committed, then I think it’s only fair to settle this once and for all.

HERBERT: (Patronizing.) What do you have in mind, orphaned revolutionary, you?

DOCTOR: Well, exploitative industrialist, you, I suggest we all put our names in a hat, and whose ever name is drawn, well, that person will be the murderer, all things considering.

(All consider the Doctor’s proposal.)

DUCHESS: It does seem to be the most civil thing to do.

LePETIMONT: My dear lady, what ever do you know about civility?

DUCHESS: Quite enough to know you stink!

MARGARET: Hey, stop it! Better than us all knawing at each other, eternally. Let’s do what one out of one doctor recommends.

DOCTOR: All agreed? (All shake heads, reluctantly.) Ok, then... (Collects names in hat. Goes to draw name.)

VALID: (Mumbles up.) MMMmmmmm... Hold it Doctor! MMmmmjdjlfjlkaj.

KATRINA: Oh, he speaks!

DUCHESS: (Relieved.) At last, words of wisdom.

CAPTAIN: (Eager.) What’s he saying?

BYZANTINE: (Listening to Mr. Valíd’s murmurs.) He says he’s an old and dilapidated and... (Listens again.) He’s willing to be the-(Looks back to Valid to check that he heard correctly.) to be the murderer, to save the rest of us the trouble.

LePETIMONT: That’s gallantly terrible of him.

LEE: Close your eyes and count your fives, out will pop a big surprise.

(Next lines bleed into each other, quick.)

HERBERT: Oh, no he doesn’t. He’s not going to waltz in here at the very end, playing all high and mighty. (Pause. Looks around all pumped up.) I’m the murderer.

ELENORA: No, snookie, dear, I won’t let you do it alone.

BYZANTINE: You might be the murder, but who had the motivation.

DUCHESS: I hated Henry. Besides, I’m too wretched no to confess.

LePETIMONT: But, I had the opportunity, as he was my lover. (All shocked.) Well, he wasn’t but, hell what loss is one less famous farter?

MARGARET: I might not be who I proposed, but that doesn’t mean I’m not the murderer, either. Besides, I couldn’t stand returning to teach those snotty nosed kids.

KATRINA: A crime of passion, that’s what it was! Besides, I have my whole life a head of me. There’s so many more crimes not to commit.

LEE: Only the paranoid survive, and so must I. Besides, quilt is just a word, like all the others.

DOCTOR: It’s only reasonable and scientifically sublime that if we murdered each other, we’d all be murderers. Why expect it to be any different?

HERBERT: We’re squared away then?

BYZANTINE: Yes like two triangles.

MARGARET: What do we do now?

DUCHESS: I suppose, dear, we must wait for the end.

LePETIMONT: And if it doesn’t come?

LEE: We pretend.

KATRINA: Just pretend.

NORM: Like the moon.

SVANK: And the sun.

NORM: Like peas

SVANK: In beef stew.

NORM: Like the wind

SVANK: Blowing free.

NORM: Like an open

SVANK: And shut door.

NORM: Like a honey-

SVANK: Moon hive.

BYZANTINE: Hey, I thought you were dead!

SVANK: Oh, yeah I forgot. (Dies.)

AMELIA: (Down below.) K-H-A-Q-Q We are running North South.

CAPTAIN: Where’s my fob! (Mayhem. All fling around.)

BYZANTINE: Full speed ahead!

VALID: MLKmlklkjlkjklk...

(All freeze. Lights out.)